Life's next challenge?

The month of August, 2017 was truly and without exaggeration the most difficult month of my entire life. There was so much emotion, and of course - the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, and acceptance.

Denial - how can this be? I'm healthy,no family history. Could there be some mistake?

Anger - Seriously? I've been through so much in life, shed so many tears, the kind of tears that NO one should have to shed, and now this?? THIS. IS. NOT. FAIR.

Bargaining - Ok, if I have to have 'cancer' - at least make it 'not so bad'; I don't want to die.

Acceptance - If this is my next challenge in life, bring it on. at least it's not someone I care about, it's me.... I can handle this. I GOT THIS!

Just when I think I have my mind wrapped around it, it comes back around and slaps me in the face all over again.

I remember that first night after the phone call, my husband was on the phone upstairs, my daughter was also upstairs in her room; I sat on the bathroom floor and cried harder than I have in more than 20 years, (after the loss of a pregnancy). My life was changing in that moment, my life was flashing before my eyes. I could only think of my children, my daughter. SO MANY thoughts, and ALL at the same exact time, emotion and fear flooding my mind and swallowing me whole, washing the 'old me' away. I will never be the same person again. I am forever changed. After working in the field of breast cancer myself for almost four years, I always thought I would be prepared if ever I heard the words. Nothing prepares you. Nothing.

The weeks to follow were in preparation for surgery; I had an MRI and consultation appointments with a Hematologist / Oncologist, and a LOT of waiting... and THINKING...and WORRYING.

Surgery was August 31, 2017. The outcome was good, clear margins (the surgeon 'got it all'); and there was no lymph node involvement, which means there is a good chance that it did not spread to other areas of my body. However, because of the 'type' of cancer it was (ER/PR negative - not responsive to hormone therapies; HER2nu positive - aggressive and fast growing); it required aggressive therapy. Chemo to be followed by radiation. All of this was not that surprising to me, however, it sent my mind through through the feelings of initial diagnosis all over again ... and then of course sharing the news with the people around me who mean the most to me and I spend the most time with. It was like watching cold water be thrown in their faces as they process what I told them and answer their questions to the best of my ability. Ironically, that was when I felt the strongest emotionally. I needed to be strong for them and make sure they knew "I've got this"; it's not a big deal, people go through worse and get through it just fine. I was going to be better on the other end than I am now. I'm determined to be healthier after all of this, than when it all began. Sure.

Fast forward to today, September 28th, 2017.

I had my first round of chemo therapy on September 15, 2017 and the port was placed on September 18, 2017. The port will prevent damage to my veins as they pump, what has been described (by other chemo patients) as 'battery acid', through my body. The side effects after the first round were nausea and extreme fatigue. I slept A LOT during the first few days. After the first five days, I felt a little better, more like myself by a week later.

I made the decision to cut my hair short prior to the surgery, as I have always had long hair and it's the only way my nine year old has known me. I figured it wouldn't be quite as 'shocking' for when it falls out, which I'm told should be soon.

I'm getting ready for my next round, which is tomorrow. I'm told that it's going to get a little tougher with each round. After tomorrow, I will have two more of this particular 'cocktail' over the next four weeks. After that the infusions will be a different combination of medicines and will happen weekly. The side effects will be different for that course; I'm told neuropathy and fatigue are typical, but doesn't occur right away - it's 'cumulative', which of course, means most likely I will start to notice those side effects after a few weeks.

I am most definitely not the same person I was two months ago; I have learned a lot about myself and the people I care about, and a little something about the people I had 'expected' to be there for me.

Recently, I looked at a photo of myself, taken on the day I had my biopsy, I was completely clueless of my diagnosis. I cried when I reflected on that picture. I didn't recognize myself. Not just because my hair is 8 inches shorter now, but because my eyes were different. My eyes are OPEN now, I see life differently. I feel things differently, I think about things differently. I now truly understand what it means to live and appreciate every single moment and every single relationship. I also understand how much I am loved and appreciated. So many tears shed on my behalf, meals cooked, random texts messages, cards, flowers, blankets... money. An overwhelming outpouring of love and support. The gratitude that Mark and I feel is absolutely immeasurable.

Cancer sucks. But you CAN choose to take something positive away from it. This could be SO much worse. I have some knowledge of what's happening to me, I know what to expect. I know my caregivers on a different level and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am in good hands, I have TRUST and faith in my corner. This has effected ME, not my daughter, my mother, step mother, or any other woman (or man for that matter) that I care about. Everything in my life over the past five years has lead me to this point, I have a strong foundation; I can do this, I would rather go through this than watch someone I love have go through this. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!

We move forward, one step at a time, one breath at a time. It's a long road, but it's just a part of the journey - a detour from 'regular' life and once we get to the other end, we can look back and take lessons from it and we will be better for it.

I am grateful for every single person who has chosen to take this walk with me, the love and encouragement give me strength. I hope that you will continue this journey will me.