Hello Fall and Round Two

How ironic is it that this isn't a 'typical' New England Fall. Usually, the colors are so vibrant and beautiful, people scatter to different parts of the state to see the most mesmerizing colors at just the right time. The colors just don't seem to be popping this year. The maple tree in front of my house is typically a bright yellow/orange at this point; but it has gone from green to brown on the ground. It's beautifully symbolic to me... Next year will be different.

This round of chemo packed a punch a little harder than the last, as predicted. Today is day five, status post chemo, and I'm finally feeling like I can keep my head up, more than down today. It's amazing to me that something designed to kill every cell in my body - the bad AND the good, because, well... it doesn't know any better... doesn't actually kill me. There are times during the past five days when I thought my heart could actually stop beating. There is no way to describe the feeling, knowing there is poison in my body killing cells - to keep me alive. The body truly is an incredible thing, the way it can fight and bounce back.

My body is going through it's own autumn. Everything dying off and being stripped away, I've lost my hair as the trees are losing their leaves... the cold winter will make everything bare and quiet as wildlife hibernates, while I'm going through my own winter renewal. In the spring, the leaves and color will be back, as will my hair and new cells. Every year the earth starts new. Next spring, I will start new... from the inside out. New hair, new cells and a new lease on life. This is without a doubt the hardest thing I will go through in my life, physically, mentally and emotionally; but I will emerge brand new in all of those ways. This is a gift, not a sentence. I will be better for this...