Strength... and other cliches...
There is a saying "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have". That statement could not be more true for me in the last week.
Chemo round three KICKED MY ASS - quicker, longer and harder than the previous two. On the very first day (infusion day), I can typically run a few errands, grab dinner and then sleep hard for several hours. The second day is more of the same, add nausea. Day three is increased nausea and weariness / weakness. For the first two rounds, by day four I could sit up more than lay down. Day four THIS time brought crazy body / muscle aches, headaches and sleeplessness. This was NOT a good combination, as my saving grace is usually the ability to sleep through it. By day five I am starting to feel more like myself, nausea is just about gone; but with this round I was still out flat and so VERY weak and fatigued and miserable and sad. Tears just fell like rain, I couldn't get my body up to shower for a few days at a time. It's the most awful feeling, physically and mentally. On day six, I pushed myself a little and it helped. Day seven brought back some weakness, fatigue and headaches but I pushed through it. I actually wore a wig and felt a little bit more like the 'old me'. I did the same on day 8 (Saturday 10/21). I had a nice day. It was a beautiful, warm fall day. My husband and I were able to get out and go for a drive and enjoy the weather and each other. Yesterday, Sunday, was about as normal as I can feel after an infusion. I was still feeling a little ill in the morning and needed a nap by afternoon, but was able to get out and enjoy my family and help with making a nice Sunday dinner.
Strength... I don't feel it, but it has to be there, because here I am, right?
Chemo... Definitely more evil than cancer... but I guess it has to be in order to destroy the beast? It's wearing me down physically and mentally, right down deep in my soul.
This is, without a doubt, the hardest thing I've done in my life. I try not to look too far ahead, because I still see a very long road to travel and I become overwhelmed. Round four (the last of the hardest part; or so I'm told) is this Friday.
To be honest, I'm scared to death and not at all looking forward to the week following that round.
But let's talk about the good things!!!
I haven't mentioned my husband much at all in any of my blogs thus far. But I need to tell you how wonderful he truly is. He has been my rock throughout this entire process. I should probably start by telling you... we have only been married one year and four months tomorrow. Yes, that's right...newlyweds. Talk about "WTF", right?!
THIS was NOT how we envisioned our second year of marriage; we had other stuff to do and plan for!
But this man... he has stepped up and wrapped himself around me and our life together and done his absolute best to keep things as "normal" as possible for my nine year old daughter. Like getting her on and off the bus, making school lunches, cooking her favorite meals and carving pumpkins and decorating the HELL out of our front yard for Halloween.
The second picture doesn't accurately depict what the front yard is looking like right now, I'll post another in the next blog.
He is keeping the house picked up, doing laundry, grooming the yard (we rent by the way, and the landlord pays someone to do it, but he does extra).
After my infusions and for at least five days, I am unable to sleep in bed as our bedroom is upstairs and the only bathroom in our home is downstairs, so I have been sleeping on the couch. He sleeps on the floor beside me. Yes... the floor. He works in construction, and therefore has a very laborious job, but yet he manages to find the energy to come home and wait on me hand and foot and do everything else while I am incapacitated... and sleep on the FLOOR - there has been NO talking him out of it.
Talk about strength? He is one of the strongest people I have ever met. He is probably one of the hardest working men I have ever known; he never stops. He has been emotionally challenged by our situation and by me over the past several weeks and he is unwavering in his ability to "get it done". To go through so much so early on in a marriage is scary and heartbreaking. However, they say - "that which does not kill you makes you stronger". I guess we are about to have the strongest marriage EVER!
So, if you see a guy by the name of Mark Francis Anderson,
shake his hand, give him a hug and have a beer with him. He deserves all that and more. He is my life's savior, my best friend, my soul mate.
When I say everything in my life has brought me to and prepared me for what I am going through, this is what I mean. If you ever doubt what is happening in your life, remember (and I'm sorry for the cliche, but, I happen to know this to be true) - "everything happens for a reason". Just be patient and have faith in the universe.
As always, thank you for being part of my journey. And especially thank you to everyone who sends messages of love and support randomly. I can't say it enough, it's what gets me through. It may seem so simple, so minuscule - but it's the best thing in my world when I can't even pick my head up and I'm crying because I feel so absolutely awful. Thank you. And I love you!