Pity Party Officially OVER

After posting my last blog I almost felt like I should apologize.

But I decided, no, (sorry, not sorry). I started this blog page for a few reasons; one was to put myself out there, be real and document my journey; another was so that if anyone happens to come across my blog and they are going through something similar, maybe they can relate and not feel as alone; another reason is: there are people who do genuinely care and want to know how I'm doing. Posting on Facebook is like cramming unwanted information down my 'friends' throats. Not everyone wants to know. If you're here, you want to know. So here it is....This is the real stuff, my journey, my words, my feelings... Me.

I've been awake since 2:30AM today (and yesterday was the same). This leaves me with lots of time to think. Last week's blog was an all out pity party rant; but as the title of this one reads, the pity party is officially OVER.

Anyone who knows me closely knows that I have overcome MANY obstacles in life, none quite like this, of course... but many hard, heartbreaking, difficult times; some that no person should have to endure. Childhood was NO walk in the park with a mom coming from a foreign country (knowing zero English) and a baby boomer dad struggling with PTSD from the war and still growing up himself; these challenges rolled right into my young adulthood and therefore created some decisions made based on my lack of self confidence, self esteem and guidance. That being said, I've had to 'go it alone' in many ways and under many circumstances. Sometimes, I am stronger than I even want to be; but just not over the past couple of weeks. I'm feeling so much better this week, physically and mentally. (At this point, it's important to credit a VERY dear friend who was, and continues to be, my guardian angel; *you know who you are*. I wouldn't be half the woman I am if it were not for you and your family. Thank you)

With so much time to think lately, I've made some strong decisions. I'm officially refusing to allow myself to be subjected to any negativity. I'm pushing myself to move a little every day - regardless of how I feel. I re-joined the gym and plan to at least walk the treadmill for 20-30 minutes per day; taking maybe the day or two after chemo off. I'm making myself little 'to do' lists for things that need to be done manageably around the house to maximize my time off from work and feel some accomplishments. I've also promised myself to be kind to Me and enjoy the good times as much as possible.

One of the things that brought me to this point was a recent and very harsh conversation I had with someone when I expressed my feelings about their 'lack of interest' in what I have going on. I reflected on the history of that relationship and thought...well, par for the course, why would anything change NOW? Silly girl, look at all you've been through without that unconditional love, support and encouragement. You've forgiven the unforgivable! You are a loving, kind, strong, remarkable, woman who is raising amazing humans despite that history.

This cancer/chemo crap is just one more obstacle and it's only temporary. YOU GOT THIS.

So here I am... pulling myself up by my boot straps moving on and getting it done. With my cheerleaders all around; some whom I have only just met, some who have been there along the way and know exactly what I'm talking about (above) and some who are fairly new to the scene. You all make it easier to see and feel how much I am loved. I am grateful.

This Friday starts the new set of meds: taxol, perjeta, and herceptin - and will be weekly infusions (one weekly, the other two are added every two to three weeks). I'm told the side effects are not as bad, fingers crossed. I'm getting myself ready this week and putting my head in a positive space and pushing through whatever side effects remain from the previous courses.

Thank you for your patience with me. Thank you for the love... and as always. Thank you for taking this walk with me...

PS....Hey dad, look at me! -- I "got a f#cking grip"!!

Thanks for the "pep talk" 😉