Happy Thanksgiving!
Good morning! It's the very early hours on Thanksgiving day... 4:27AM to be exact... and I'm wide awake. It's been a couple of weeks since my last blog.
I've been busy trying to hold it together emotionally and just trying to stay positive. The reality is - this just SUCKS and sometimes I still need to work hard to get my head around it all. On a positive note; yesterday marks chemo #7. I have 8 more to go! I'm almost at the peak - the point where I have almost as many done as I have to BE done! My last infusion is scheduled for Jan. 26th!!
See!! There's the light at the end of the tunnel! YAY!!!
So far these infusions have been easiER... not great by any means, but definitely easier. The first day after, I'm usually full of energy and a raging maniac emotionally, thanks to the high dose of steroid they give me to counter act any allergic reaction that might happen during the infusion... (also the reason I've been awake since 3:30AM).
After the first day, I'm usually hit hard with body aches and EXTREME fatigue. Much like having the flu (times 50); and that usually lasts a couple of days. My blood counts are ok, but I'm officially anemic according to the doctor which accounts for the extreme weakness and fatigue, but I'm told that gets better. I'm still dealing with ugly side effects and unusual aches and pains - sore fingernails, rashy hands, dry skin, I'm losing both big toenails, constipation / hemorrhoids and on the flip side of that is diarrhea by day 4 after the infusion. All of this gets me down, because it seems there is always something new to deal with and I just feel like I'm falling apart... HA! I guess TECHNICALLY, I AM!! But when I make myself sit down and REALLY think about it and go back to infusion #3 (the third A/C) - I'm SO much better off and now 4 steps closer to the end since then. I'm in my chrysalis stage!:
I will emerge at the other end brand new, healthy and stronger than ever in many ways. I've been trying to get to the gym at least a few times a week to walk on the treadmill. Last week was fairly unsuccessful and this week will most likely be the same with the Holiday. But I'm going to keep trying. It was good for me, but the extreme fatigue and flu like feeling make it really, really hard to get off the couch. Sometimes doing my best means I brushed my teeth before noon.
In making myself sit down and think.... and in the spirit of Thanksgiving... I decided to write out "30 days of Thankful" in one sitting. Some of these will be obvious and they are not in any particular order.
So here goes:
I'm thankful that:
1. This stupid cancer was caught early, was small and treatable without mastectomy. I STILL HAVE MY BOOBS!
2. I have a care team that I know personally and have worked closely with over the last few years.And they are phenomenal.
3. I'm almost halfway through chemo with only 8 more treatments to go!!!!
4. I'm going through chemo during the fall / winter months and not in the heat and humidity of summer - everyone is wearing hats during this time of year! :)
5. having no hair cuts down on the time it takes to 'get ready'
6. I haven't had to shave my legs or pits since September!
7. chemically induced menopause - haven't had a period since September either!
8. I haven't lost my eye brows or lashes.... yet?
9. I am able to be home. Even though money is EXTREMELY tight, one thing I am most grateful for is that I don't have the stress of being at work and trying to deal with chemo at the same time. I have only been at my job since April of this year and was diagnosed 4 months later. They are holding my job and covering for me while I go through this and are looking forward to welcoming me back when I am ready. They have been absolutely wonderful and supportive during this entire journey and I'm beyond grateful for my new family / friends at AOHNS (Associates in Otolaryngology, Head & Neck Surgery) - I am proud to be their surgical coordinator.
10. I love where I live. I have a cozy, comfortable and cute apartment in a quiet neighborhood with great neighbors who also check on me and send me love regularly.
11. my son (who is in the Navy) is home on leave for the next few weeks; he has spent quite a bit of time with me this week; it has been really good for me.
12. My daughter, who is 9, has been absolutely amazing during all of this. She is helpful and kind and when I'm feeling my worst she is at her absolute best.
13. My children's father... and his fiancé... have been wonderfully supportive and without hesitation, helpful, whenever I have a need. I"m truly grateful for the relationship we have, it is rare to have 'ex's be able to communicate, cooperate and co-parent in the way we are able to. (Thank you, Joey and Marissa!)
14. My husband!! This man... I've already dedicated a blog to him, but it needs to be said again.... He has been my rock,, unwavering in his ability to keep things going around the house while I am down. He's become a pretty good cook (not that I can really taste anything these days...........maybe he's NOT such a good cook, but I don't know it yet??... HAHAA! In any case, he tries hard, works hard and loves me unconditionally. I don't know what I would do without him right by my side. Thank you, Mark I love you to the ends of the earth and beyond.
15. Gifts. I have received countless well wishes, cards, blankets, meals, trinkets, flowers, texts messages, and phone calls. Every single one has made this easier and helped me to feel loved when I'm not feeling lovable. Each and every person who has reached out to me randomly has become that much more special and dear to my heart.
16. Prayers. I'm thankful for each and every prayer said on my behalf. They are working. I'm getting through this with an inner strength I never knew existed.
17. New friends. During this past few months, I have developed friendships that would probably not exist otherwise. I've become part of a network of amazingly strong, courageous, and inspiring women. And they are all cheering me on.
18. My pup. Yes. The dog. He's a unique soul. This animal loves me like no other animal has ever loved me. I swear he is from another life, like a soul mate. He drives me absolutely bananas, but has to be in the same room with me ALL THE TIME. He watches me closely when he knows I am not feeling well, physically or mentally and wants nothing from me other than my love and approval. I've only known him a year and a half. He came to live with us in May of 2016 and was the best gift to our family ever.
19. Time. I'm thankful for the time I have to reflect on what I am going through. As hard as it is to be alone so much... and to be honest, I do spend a lot of time feeling sorry for myself...but when I'm feeling ok physically, I'm able to reflect on all that is going RIGHT and be thankful for what I have, the people who ARE HERE by my side... and that I have time. I have life left to live and the next half of my life is going to be so much better and more fulfilling than the first half.
20. Angels. I have a whole team of angels in heaven who I KNOW are watching over me and giving me strength and cheering me on. They listen and comfort and wrap me in their love when I cry and feel sorry for myself. I can feel it. I know they are there.
21. Technology. I"m thankful for the ability to get out side my world when I'm stuck inside. What would I do without my fire stick to be able to watch movies, without my computer to blog and Facebook, my phone to text and communicate? They all give me an 'out' when I'm trapped on my couch under the spell of C H E M O.
22. My parents. They have both checked out of my life over the past couple of months and I am thankful for that. AS ALWAYS, this leaves me to prove to myself that I can handle whatever life throws at me WITHOUT their support, love, guidance and encouragement. I've created my own circle of support and strength.
23. Friends and family. I've said this one many times already. But the people who HAVE been supporting me and cheering me on have been amazing. The kindness and love from the people who have taken any amount of time to express care and concern means absolutely everything to me. As #22 says, my parents checked out; that's where one would think the majority of love and support would come from during a time like this.... this is why the people who have chosen to be here for me mean so much. I am truly and eternally grateful for you.
24. Hard times and shitty people. They make the good times and good people stand out brighter and easier to appreciate. As hard as life has been up to this point, I'm grateful for every lesson along the way.
25. I'm thankful for my ability to see the good in people and situations despite the ugliness in the world. The good is still out there, sometimes we just have to look a little harder.
26 Food in the fridge. We are cooking our own Thanksgiving feast today (for the first time in I don't know how long) and will probably have enough leftovers until NEXT thanksgiving!
27. Shorter days. I'm usually not a fan of this time of year when it gets dark so early. But it makes going to bed by 8:30 seem reasonable when it's dark at 5pm.
28. Online shopping. This one should probably go with technology. Amazon is the best thing going for me right now. Christmas shopping online is the way to go this year!! And it makes getting the mail a lot of fun too!
29. A decent car to drive. I made the decision back in May to get an upgrade to what I drive. All wheel drive and 8 years newer; no worries about the weather or repairs.
30. And finally.....My followers. I'm grateful for every single person who visits this blog and reads my BS when I post. I have no idea what people think, and that sometimes makes this hard. But as I said in my last post. It's all real, it's all in my head. And I'm hoping that maybe somewhere it will be helpful somehow to someone who is or has gone through something similar. Feel free to subscribe, you'll get an email when I post new blogs. Feel free to reach out, I love to hear from you! And feel free to share if you think I can make a difference to someone's life.
Happy Thanksgiving! See you next time!