On the other side and it's a much nicer view...

It's been awhile since my last post... admittedly, I have been trying to pull myself out of a funk and get beyond the Holidays. I needed to put myself in a better headspace before sharing my thoughts. To say I've been feeling bitter and sad would be an understatement. But I'm back now, on the other side of the New Year and looking forward to what is ahead of me. I have a lot of work to do, but I'm ready and excited for the changes ahead - they're ALL GOOD!

I'm down to my last four rounds of chemo! While I haven't been feeling as "sick" as the first four rounds; these last six rounds have had their very own unpleasant side effects. I have chemo on Fridays; by Sunday afternoon, I'm feeling like I have the flu - extreme body aches, migraines and some nausea. Not so bad, right? Mmmm.... but once you factor in... the other changes taking place. I've lost one big toe nail (so far) and my fingernails are lifting and painful and I won't get into the other gross side effect involving THAT 🤢... (another reason I'm not so eager to sit in front of a keyboard and type) I have a hard time doing almost anything that involves the use of my hands. Something as simple as opening and closing a ziplock baggy is challenging and painful, not to mention frustrating. What is remaining of my eyebrows is disappearing along with my eye lashes. Everything that made me feel feminine is pretty much gone.

The words I keep repeating to myself over the past two months - "I just have to get through it... I just have to get through it"... The Holidays were horrible. Mark started a new job, which put him at the bottom of the "totem pole"; means he worked BOTH Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day. If it weren't for the fact that I was blessed to have my daughter on both days, I would have been completely alone on Christmas Day. There wasn't much about the Holidays that felt good. We didn't exchange gifts, it was all about my daughter. I basically just 'got through it'.

Aside from Mark not having a paycheck for almost three weeks due to the job change, my short term disability ended and my claim is now in review for long term disability - which of course means no income until it's complete. My last check was the week before Christmas....I also learned that my position at my job will be filled; when I go back to work, I won't be doing the same job I was doing when I went out on disability. I understand the need, they need someone full time, and I, quite honestly, can't tell them when I will be back full time. But, nonetheless it hurts...

The last four months have been he hardest of my entire life. I can say that with 100% certainty. I keep telling myself that it could have been so much worse; but it was what it was and none of it felt "good". But here I am... with just four rounds of chemo left to go and 30 rounds of radiation to follow. I'm in the home stretch. When I look back, I feel accomplished and I AM stronger for it.

I mentioned in one of my first blogs, when spring comes, I will be brand new. Cancer has taken SO MUCH away from me and changed what it hasn't touched directly. In the early months of

2018, I will begin the process of rebuilding! My hair will start to grow back, the side effects that I'm dealing with now will subside and I will begin to feel stronger. I'm ALIVE and the chance to start over (literally) is right beyond the tips of my fingers. I'm excited and energized for the upcoming year. Next Christmas is going to be magnificent; the promise of that is what got me through this Christmas; I know it's going to be better.

All of "This" was temporary. The illness, the sadness, the losses, the disappointment, the hardships - both financially and emotionally... It's all temporary, and I don't have to live there. I have the ability to move on from it and be better, smarter, stronger and HEALTHIER. The sky is the limit!!!

There's still a short trip to finish, but I have it...I'm good. And once it's done.... I will be emerging from my cocoon as a beautiful butterfly in the spring. Ready to fly. I've learned so much over the past several months...about myself and the people I care about... and the people who care about me. My eyes and heart are wide open.... and I'm ready to begin again.

This is where "hope" becomes "reality".

Thank you for taking this walk with me. It only gets better from here!