Letting it out...

Written January 10, 2018 - but just decided to publish today...

I generally don't like to write when I'm feeling the way I am today. And who knows, maybe this one won't get published. However, I keep reminding myself, that this blog is for me to put myself out there with the possibility of helping another person / people who might be feeling, or may have felt the same way I do... But in no way are any of my blogs written to get attention, or answers or sympathy. It's my journey... it is what it is: hard, sad, scary, lonely, sometimes comical... but very real.

If you've been following along, you know that I have just three more chemo treatments left. That's exciting to me but at the same time, I'm suddenly feeling a little overwhelmed and scared.

Considering the cancer was gone with the surgery (YAY for clear margins!!!); all of this chemo therapy was to ensure that there were NO residual cancer cells left anywhere in my body. It was designed to kill any all cancer cells (and yes, the good cells too, hence the loss of hair, anemia, decreased ability to fight infection, etc.)... But I have no way of actually KNOWING that the chemo did it's job. There is no test, or scan or lab work that will tell me that I'm GOOD! I just have to wait.. and hope that it did what it was supposed to do. Success is based on statistics...and well, how did I do with statistics in the first place??

While I'm going through "it", I feel like I'm fighting it, I'm DOING something and it won't come back while I'm actively fighting... but when it's over, I won't actively be fighting with medicine. I have to change my lifestyle; eat better, exercise etc... But....will that be enough? And then there are the "what if's"... and the "what's that's"... I've never been a person to worry much about my health, I always felt like I knew my body pretty well and I know what to do for myself when I'm not feeling great. I don't do medicine, I don't do doctors very often. Cancer has changed all of that...I second guess everything; and I worry that every little ache or pain or bump is cancer.

Where do I go from here? There is no place to go but UP. I start rebuilding and learning who I am again. It's new life, much like being born all over again. I get to start from scratch and emerge from this chemo cocoon and be a beautiful new person.

I'm overwhelmed and scared, and I guess that is to be expected.