Spring is coming!

So here we are, just 20 days away from spring! Chemo is complete, my last Taxol was January 26th. I started radiation on Feb. 21st. I have 11 treatments left, including today's treatment. I still have the port, it will be used once a month for Herceptin and Perjeta until sometime in August / September.

The days are getting longer and brighter and warmer... I'm growing hair! Although not evenly, I kind of look like an old man - bald on top with hair growing along the sides and back (OF COURSE!)

But it is what it is, it's on it's way, and like everything else, it takes time.

At this point after the chemo treatments ended, I had hoped to feel better than I do; I'm anxious to get back to me. Every day I feel a little better. I am still struggling with the emotional aspect of all of this. That has been the one thing that has followed me throughout this journey, which is why I've not posted as many blogs as I had originally intended at the beginning.

Life has been hard, and sad, and lonely. The people that I thought would be there have not, and people that I thought would never walk away, have. That's not to say I am without support. I have a very special group of cheerleaders that have helped me along the way; and for that I am eternally grateful.

People see me out in public with a smiling face, dressed, and up-beat. But what they don't see is the 40+ minutes it takes to get made up that way. Literally painting on eyebrows, getting the eyeliner just right and then fighting with the fake eyelashes. I don't like to be seen without makeup AT ALL at this point. I've gained weight because of the steroids they pumped into me with the Taxol and also because of a very sedentary lifestyle. I'm trying to get back to being more active, but it's VERY HARD. I'm tired and feel weak, and while I understand it's "cyclical" - if I push myself, I will feel better for it but it's hard to find motivation. I've lost myself more than I thought I would.

I've learned exactly what it means to "fight". It's not just the disease that I've been fighting, it's not just the chemo that I've been battling with. It's a fight every single day, even with the majority of treatments behind me and new growth happening within myself. I fight to feel like who I used to be, I mourn the loss of the woman I was six months ago. Life seemed so easy... but the struggle is there every single day now. I fight against the anxiety and worry about "cancer". I still don't think I have completely wrapped my head around the idea that "I am a cancer patient". When I fill out forms about my health, I now have to include that in my history; it will always be a part of who I am. I will no longer be a blood donor, I've had to remove myself from bone marrow registry. Every ache or pain in any part of my body is a reminder of "cancer". At least right now it is. I've heard that changes.

There are no two days the same; one day I wake up and I'm ready to take on the world, ready for this fight. I am productive around the house, I've done 4 loads of laundry in the first half of the day...and there are others that I can't even get off the couch, and DON'T unless I have to. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm smart enough to know that if I push myself and get into a routine it will be better, and I AM working on it. I will get there, I just have to be patient.

We moved on January 26th - how poetic that it was my last day of chemo? I loved the other apartment, I have some great memories, but also some that I don't want to be reminded of. The new place is bigger, quieter... and it's a new, clean slate; a chance to make new memories and start over in a lot of ways....another new beginning. I have a plan in place to go back to work, April 2nd, part time to start... I think it will be good for me.

So, I'm still here. Ready to crawl out of this cocoon...still a little ways to go, but I'm getting there. One step at a time, like any journey... just one step at a time.