Like a Chrysalis emerging...
So here we are...almost 3 months (to the day) from my last chemo!
I'm very SLOWLY getting back to me. My hair is coming in a little more every week. I'm still not quite brave enough to be without my hat outside of the house; but getting closer. I still have very hard days. Yesterday was one of them. Everything about me has changed and I don't recognize who I am. Yesterday, I saw this as a loss to mourn. Today...as I drink my coffee after a good night's sleep... I see it as an opportunity to become an even better version of myself.
I continue to fight... even though the chemo is done, it doesn't mean the fight ends. When cancer comes into your life, it doesn't go away once they remove the tumor and plug you into an infusion machine. It sticks in your head and attaches itself to your soul for, what feels like, might be forever. That's ok. I will live with a reminder that life is fickle...and in an instant... everything you knew it to be, can change to something entirely different. Change is growth and growth is change and I've done a whole lot of both.
I've gone back to work part time and slowly increasing my hours. I made the decision to go back to just 32 hours - 4 days a week. If we could handle it financially, I would go back less. I was extremely anxious about returning to work, but it has been incredibly easy... and actually fun. I work with some pretty amazing people. I had only worked there for 4 months when I received my diagnosis; barely eligible to participate in the short term / long term disability benefits. Everyone was supportive and continues to be now. It has been the easiest transition throughout this entire ordeal. Funny how life puts you right where you need to be, amongst the right people, at exactly the right time. I'm blessed...and forever grateful. I love my co-worker family.
So I mentioned that yesterday was a bad day.... I still struggle a lot with body aches and neuropathy. It's actually worse than it was during treatment. While I was going through chemo, I didn't have much, if any, daily aches and pains. Since it ended, my body is in a constant state of ache. My joints seem to have been attacked by the Taxol, leaving me to feel severely arthritic... ALL of my joints hurt - on the pain scale, it's about an 8/9 at it's worst...and about a 4/5 NOT at it's worst. I don't have any answers as to why. I'm just doing what I can to fight against it. Taking supplements, drinking more water, apple cider vinegar, taking Aleve, exercise as much as possible, walking more... And sometimes I become exhausted...wishing for the days when I didn't have pain, I had a full head of hair and didn't need to think about accessorizing my head with a hat or scarf...and could wear cute sandals without thinking about the ugly toenails that haven't fully grown back from the loss during chemo. I break down....and sometimes I break down hard. Yesterday was one of those days. A big part of this fight is allowing myself to feel those feelings...to allow myself to feel weak and broken, and then pull myself back up and move forward.Tomorrow is another day, and I'm alive to see it and make it the best it can be.
Everyone has something to go through. It may be as simple as... not getting to eat your bagel when it's warm because you're a busy mom... or it may be traffic on the way to work and you have to pee!...or it might be a life altering diagnosis. Everyone has something... let it be whatever it is to them... show them love and support. Never let the people you care about feel like their problems - no matter how big or small they may seem to YOU - feel insignificant. Everyone matters, everyone else's feelings are valid... be patient... be KIND. Life is so short and ever changing....and so DAMN hard and unfair sometimes.
The world lost a really great man a week ago. His name was Michael Brennan. He was my neighbor. I didn't know him well... he didn't know ME well. But he always took the time to say hello and have a conversation. When he learned of my diagnosis, he took it to heart. He was shocked and dismayed. More so than some of my own family members! I heard from him at least every couple of weeks, for no reason other than to let me know he and his partner, Melissa, were thinking of me and keeping me in their prayers. Melissa is a talented quilter and made a beautiful quilt for me. He was consistent. When he saw me, he would hug me with arms that could surround three people at the same time...with so much intensity that you would think not a single thing was wrong in the world. I didn't know him well; but I DID know he had one of the biggest, kindest hearts I've EVER met. His kindness will echo in my heart forever and he will not be forgotten. RIP Michael Brennan, I"m grateful to have known you!
(EEEEEEEOOUUUUUUU!!!)